“Go Big Papa!” – No, Seriously…Go

Papa’s in the house! I saw our buddy Dave Rich almost rip a TV off the wall while watching a Papa John’s pizza commercial… so I asked him to tell me about it.  –bp

From Dave:

So I know I’m not the first one to think this but it needs to be said. Why in the balls is Papa John so awkward?  Why?  Tell me… I mean you’ve been on TV for years, you’re obviously very full of yourself, you have a huge pizza company, you drive a gold(ish) Camaro with racing stripes, and you perm your hair.  You’ve really got no reason to be as uncomfortable as you are. If you need a reminder…

YouTube Preview Image

So awful. The lines you say.  “better ingredients, better pizza, papa john’s” are not that complex.  It’s clearly not the first time you’ve said them.  You probably wrote them yourself for heavens sake.  Yet when you speak, P. Johnny, you look like you’re on Take 76 after a long day of shooting.  You have no idea whatsoever to do with your hands.  Just put them down by your side, or in your pockets.  That’s what pockets are there for.  Pockets are the best, you’ll love them, just give ‘em a try.

Now listen close… this will help. NO one speaks with “air punches” on words that don’t deserve any type of “air punch”.  Are you reading off a cue card? Are you not allowed to read the script beforehand? Did you forget that you were shooting a commercial? Every single day you shoot a commercial. Every time you see a camera at your door do you say “hey what the heck, surprise me, let’s see what happens!”  Do the cue cards look like this?
That. That would be the only real excuse you have for how awkward you act in every commercial you make. It doesn’t matter to you if you’re with Peyton Manning, or with random strangers eating a pizza you delivered.   Your body movements look like there is someone above you controlling you like a marionette.  Every time I see your commercials, I look for the strings.  I have yet to find them, but I’m almost positive that they are there because you’re always looking at someone off camera like a bad SNL host.  Maybe a cartoon spokesperson or a lizard would be a better way to go.

In closing, killer turtle neck

-dave rich

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13 Responses to “Go Big Papa!” – No, Seriously…Go

  1. Mike D. says:

    With a bazillion channels to watch, as well as DVR, and a remote control, who even WATCHES commercials anymore?!?!?! Chill bro.

  2. Mac says:

    Hey Mike D. Have you ever watched a thing called “SPORTS?” Real Men watch sports live, as they happen, they don’t DVR them while they take their wife to Lulu Lemon to grossly over pay for clothes she has no business wearing.

  3. Mike D. says:

    Hey Mac, yeah I watch as much sports as the next guy, but when a commercial comes on I change to wait for it, wait for it…. another channel that shows SPORTS! You must not be able to reach the remote because you and your “friends” are too busy giving each other pedicures and makeovers, whilst drinking your lemon tea. And no, children’s pageants are NOT a sport, weirdo!

  4. Herm says:

    i think the guys handwriting above is below average…and i like pedicures

  5. Mac says:

    For some reason when I read your posts Mike D, I read them in a Valley girl voice in my head “Who even WATCHES commercials anymore?!?!??!!” “Chill Bro”
    Maybe its the excessive use of “?” and “!”
    Not sure. Good one with the makeovers and pedicures. So clever. Michelle D from the Valley.

    • Herm says:

      thats so strange you said that…cause i picture Mike D as a skinhead…like Edward Norton in American History X “WHO EVEN WATCHES COMMERCIALS ANYMORE?!?!?!!”…like really intense. i see him sitting around watching sports all day, making fun of gays and beating women….because he is man, the perfect alpha male.

  6. bp says:

    This is on its way to becoming my favorite comment thread ever…

  7. The Black Pearl says:

    Why you guys ganging up on Mike D? He’s clearly either a Canadian or gay or even worse, a Gay Canuck. Poor guy talks like a sally and thinks figure skating is a sport.

    • Herm says:

      Damnit Black Pearl, now I’m now picturing Mike D as a figure skater. He’s wearing a white outfit and doing interpretive ice dances of my life’s journey.

  8. Mike D. says:

    Sure Herme, Chuck Norris gets down on his knees at night and prays to be more like Mike D.

  9. The Black Pearl says:

    Oh bringing out the 2009 Chuck Norris jokes, interesting tactic. Do you say “Not” after you make a silly statement?

  10. Mike D. says:

    Yo Black Pearl, Beer Me!

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