Piranhas Just Eating Brazilian Beach Goers, No Big Whoop

Breitbart – Authorities in a state in Brazil’s northeast are scrambling to take the fright and the bite off the beach after piranhas sunk their teeth into about 100 beachgoers, UOL Noticias reported.

The problem — rather fearsome given piranhas’ horror-movie teeth and ability to sink them into human flesh — has been the biggest at the main beach area in Piaui state; authorities said they need to act fast to reduce a piranha overpopulation situation.

Last weekend, at least 100 bathers were treated at the hospital in Jose de Freitas not far from Terezina, Piaui’s capital, after being bitten on the heels or toes at the local beach.

“Since they have no predators, piranhas have started attacking people on the beach,” said Romildo Mafra, a local environment official.

Environmental officials so far have added tilapia to the piranhas’ local food chain hoping to quell some of the predators’ hunger.

Tilapia? Seriously? You added tilapia to the water? Nice work, you idiot “environmental officials”. That’s the worst-tasting fish ever. No wonder these little effers are trying to eat people. I’ve never been to Brazil, and I did zero research on the country before writing this, but off the top of my head, the only things Brazil has going for it is 1) Soccer 2) Beaches with smokin’ hot chicks. Welp, you can scratch beaches off that list. We’re down to one: soccer. Piranhas? Seriously? This is a real news story, people, not a section from the script of that awful movie that I saw five minutes of on Showtime and all I saw were piranhas biting limbs off people and blood spraying everywhere and tons and tons of screaming. Nope, this is real. Here in San Diego, we’ve had to deal with Terry, sure, but piranhas? No thanks. I can watch soccer on TV, and I can see girls here in San Diego… Brazil, you’ve officially been checked off my list of places I’ll ever visit because you have nothing to offer me that I don’t already have… except for a visit to the ER for freaking piranha bites.

-bp

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