Meet my boys, Mac and Charlie. Mac on the left, Charlie on the right. Those pics are from the season opener at the Q against the Vikings. Mac in a standard shot… double fisted and as patriotic as an American can be. Lobsters know him for his witty guest posts here on Lobshots. (side note: behind Mac’s left arm, the dude with a sweatband, in the gray tee rolled up so you can see his tan arms and fat veins, that’s Foreskin. Yes, that’s what we call him.) Charlie, whom you don’t know, is on the right, just trying on girls tank tops at the Chargers Team Store like a champ…wondering if everybody signed up for the gun show. There, now you’ve met the players. So, Mac tells me a story this morning about buying some beers and trying to get back to his seats. It was fantastic. So, I told him to write it down, so you too, can smile. It’s not short, but it is pretty comical. Enjoy.
So there I am, grabbing a few $9 Bud Lights at the end of half time at the Q with my boys Charlie and Foreskin. Having a wonderful day so far, the 100 yard American Flag was amazing, the Bald Eagle was released like 40 feet from our seats and was freakin badass, the 9/11 remembrance ceremony was a tear jerker, the weather was perfect, the brews were going down like water… Just a great day so far (minus the lackluster performance by the Bolts, I will leave the game analysis to BP, this blog is a story of something amazing) Ok, back to the concourse where the 3 of us are strolling back to our seats. We aren’t being loud or obnoxious or acting drunk, not even a little bit. We each had 3 beers in hand, we had each purchased a pair at half time and were headed to the seats to meet the girls and give them their beers. And that’s when we were approached by 5 or 6 Elite Security guards. If you don’t know who they are these are the minimum wage “security guards” that try to keep order in the stadium, wearing some form of obnoxious windbreaker or bright red t-shirt.
So, up walks a whole team of these clowns, one guy, clearly is trying to show that he’s in charge. His name is Captain Elite. (I do know his real name because Charlie made a point to log it in his cell phone so that he could report him later, but have decided to just call him Captain Elite for the purposes of this story because he must already have a miserable life and revealing his name to you lobsters would lead to more misery for this joker.) He’s your average dude, a bit frumpy and awkward… He is surrounded by a crew of equally awesome dudes. Here is the conversation that ensued as Mr. Captain Elite and his posse approached us (this is an account from the best my memory can recall, I had a good 8-10 beers, a vodka drink and 4 or 5 shots):
Captain Elite: “You guys stop right there, you have too many beers in your hands”
Charlie: “Huh? What are you talking about? That’s crazy, we just bought these”
Captain Elite: “You are only allowed to have 1 beer at a time after the 3rd quarter”
Mac: “The 3rd quarter just started, sir.”
Captain Elite: “No, you can only have 1 beer at a time after half time”
Charlie: “We just purchased these about 2 minutes ago right over there, go talk to that lady that sold them to us if that’s your rule”
Captain Elite: “No need to talk to her… you need to throw away those beers!”
Charlie: “No chance”
Mac : “Listen, why are you being such a F’ing Dick man? We were minding our own business, going back to our seats.”
So, at this point Foreskin had slyly snuck away, so now it’s Charlie and me and the 5 or so security guards standing there. This Captain Elite character is stammering and stuttering and is not making any sense, trying to justify his false statements. It seemed like the Captain was trying to teach some new recruits how to handle a situation that involved confrontation, and he was failing in epic fashion. So when I dropped an F bomb on him, he freaks out…I mean loses it, like absolutely astonished that someone would say that. Back to the dialogue.
Charlie: “Listen man, we just want to go back to our seats and give these extra beers to the girls. We aren’t drinking all of these, they are for the girls, we are going back to your seats”
Captain Elite: “No, No you aren’t, you are resisting me, I’m gonna have you arrested”
Mac and Charlie simultaneously laughing : “On what charge??”
Captain Elite, looking like a deer in head lights, taps his sidekick for some support…“um,…. what’s it called again??” Sidekick Steve thinks for a second and has nothing, then Captain Elite drops the bomb on us…
Captain Elite: “I am gonna have you arrested for Unsportsmanlike Conduct!”
Charlie and I lose it at this point, “That’s a 15 yard penalty, bro, not something you get arrested for”, and then we simultaneously stuck our hands out, wrists up, just begging this clown to cuff us. “Please please arrest us for unsportsmanlike conduct!”
This is the part where you should never underestimate the sneakiness of Chargers fans like ourselves. In the confusion of the boisterous laughter I managed to just walk away while Charlie chatted him. I found the girls and handed them all the beers in my hand, and I tell Charlie’s wife about the situation we are in. I am still laughing my face off at this point. Mrs. Charlie follows me over to the area and I sneak up behind Captain Elite and grab the extra 2 beers out of Charlie’s hand without Captain Elite noticing. It was a classic sleight of hand. I give those to Mrs. Charlie, she takes off, and I stand there listening to this joker ramble on about arresting us.
That’s when 2 real cops show up and Captain Elite is going berserk telling the police officers about how we have 3 beers each and are only allowed 1. Cops look at Charlie, then the cops look at me. They look at our open hands and surprised faces, and say to us “Sir, these men have zero beers,” then he turns to us and says, “You guys can go back to your seats. Enjoy the game.”
We do exactly that, and arrive at our seats with all of our magical beers waiting for our return. Then we watched the Chargers dominate the second half with smiles on our faces and a great great story to tell. Oh, and to you, Mr. Captain Elite, good job yesterday bro, way to get dominated and look like a total tool bag in front of your posse. Jack. Ass.
Welp, there you have it folks… the great Elite Security showdown of 2011. Love it. Mac had me dyin laughing… I seriously think that might be my new play at the bars. Just roll up to fools and try to arrest them for unsportsmanlike conduct. See what happens. Just to give you a little personal background on Elite Security… when I was a freshman in college, there was a flyer up in the dorms looking for cheap volunteers to work for Elite Security at the Rolling Stones concert… one of their, “we’re old as balls but still gonna do one last tour” shows. I signed up. I showed up. They gave me a bright yellow windbreaker jacket. I used said jacket to weasel my way down onto the field at Qualcomm Stadium where the show was, I took the jacket, shoved it under a trashcan, and watched the show right up front. It was amazing. After the show, I grabbed the stashed jacket, put it on… returned back to the “meeting spot” or whatever…returned my Elite gear, took a bus back to the dorms, and went to bed feeling like I just bitch-slapped The Man in the face. All that being said, be nice to these Elite jokers at the game… they are probably working minimum wage and miserable that they can’t watch the game. Oh, and if they have a real accusation against you, they can actually get you arrested. Be smart, Bolts fans… but more importantly, be clever.